Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
