Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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