Me. At least after what I've been through.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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