i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
