apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
