remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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