I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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