so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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