I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
