I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
