i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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