Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to