i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse