____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
