Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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