i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
