woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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