I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
