I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
