google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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