Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
