im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
