just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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