I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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