im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
