I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
