How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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