I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
