once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
