I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
