so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
