I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
