I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
