I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
