My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
