I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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