I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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