I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize