I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
