im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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