If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
