Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
