o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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