But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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