when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
