Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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