apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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