I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
