I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
40s are totally the cure
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
