your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
