If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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