he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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