She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
