Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
