hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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