Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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