he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
