Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
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You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
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I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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