Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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