If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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