I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I would fuck him just for his dog
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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