Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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